Courting Hostility
by aki.ari
Summary: Their painful game was pushed to its limits when Allen returns from a mission desperately seeking his own destruction. Yullen
1. Hurting You

**Warning: explicit sexual content between males**

**Hurting You**

Sometimes it was all Kanda could do not to back Allen into a wall, Mugen at his throat, and demand sex right that very moment. He had no doubt Allen would love it if he did, but the samurai hadn't sunken that far. For now he could keep on playing their game. The game of pushing and pulling, a back and forth war. The one who lost would be the one caught off-guard, the one who was surprised or touched or happy. These were only a few of the dangerous repercussions of losing. When both submitted it was a tie, although neither male would admit that aloud. When they did break, it was all the more glorious for the long game before.

Kanda's hand covers Allen's chest, holding him up, holding him still, while he thrusts hard enough to move Allen forward a few inches at a time. Allen throws his head back onto Kanda's shoulder because it's not hard enough. Allen can taste blood on his lips, on his tongue, when their lips meet – a violent kiss. It tastes good, so real: copper tang, salty rush. Not enough. Never enough. Allen's noises are a part of him like breathing, impossible to control without too much thought. Kanda wrings them out of the pale lips easily, chuckling softly like a predator in Allen's ear. Kanda's teeth pierce skin where he bites, promising marks of possession to match the ones already marring Allen's body from the fight beforehand. This is as much a part of the fight as Allen's fingernails digging into Kanda's arm or the unnecessary roughness of Kanda's palm against Allen's arousal.

Allen came, the orgasm shaking him to the core, shudders running through him like a convulsion, and making him cry out at the painfully enticing pleasure. Allen is tight around Kanda when calloused hands clench pale hips painfully hard, growling in his desperation. Allen wished he could come again with Kanda, but settled for holding himself up despite the grey tones encroaching at the edges of his vision. Kanda spits his name like a curse, eliciting a whimper in the back of Allen's throat as Kanda's seed floods Allen's weary insides. Thrusting until nothing is left, Kanda collapses slowly, taking Allen down with him. The younger boy does not object.

Allen's head rests next to Kanda's on the pillow. Warm breath whispers against snowy hair. Kanda's arm holds Allen in place; the younger boy's back pressed up against his chest. Allen never thought he'd trust Kanda to stand behind him, and he wasn't sure if he ever would. But instead of worrying he closed his eyes to sleep against the solid warmth of the samurai he was infatuated with.

Even as he knew of their painful game and the torturous stakes Allen also knew he had lost long ago. Engulfed by the throes of their violent passion and drawn to the seductively bitter taste of an agonizing love.

_End_

* * *

A/N: Some of you may recognize this from the little trivia thing I had a while ago. This was the prize for anyone who answered correctly, or made me laugh with their guess.

I was a bit torn in how to deal with this piece. I wanted to build a story around it but I also wanted to preserve the poignancy of this specific section and not let it get drowned out by a surrounding story. So after much deliberation I decided I'd post this as the first chapter which can be read as a dark little one shot. The following chapter will be the story that was inspired by this plot bunny, and can be read with consideration to the first part, if that makes any sense at all.

This way I'll have both works together and also separate – I know I'm weird.

Oh and I'm going home tomorrow! Hopefully my plane doesn't crash or something *laughs* though I suppose that isn't really funny. I have some stuff to do when I get back, but I'm almost done with the second part of this so I'll probably finish and have it posted by the end of the week.

Anyway thanks to everyone who's read and reviewed my works.

Comments are welcomed – they make me happy :)


	2. Hurting Me

**Hurting Me**

Their relationship had never been that great. They were always bickering and fighting – their violent interactions rivaling those of their enemies. So it's no surprise that their idea of love was anything but. It wasn't in anyway the romanticized emotional phenomenon that caused one to see the world in a new light. It wasn't even the form of support and loyalty and security that most sought in a life partner. They were only interested in the thrill and absolute abandon of reason as they absorbed pleasure from the other. It was a strange but not unnatural companionship that they found in each other.

It was a game to them, a vibrant contrast of taut feelings that writhe and burn to be realized. The loser would be the one to misplace sight of their game and take it seriously. They would breech upon loss every time they lay together. But never would they admit to losing, always returning to their respective sides to resume the fighting.

They didn't trust each other. Because of the nature of their game it just wasn't an option. Even so they'd test their limits, turning their backs on each other, absorbing the exhilaration of the piercing glare upon their backs and the uncertainty in their actions. Neither willing to show weakness to the other; as if saying, _you're not a threat, I don't need to keep you in my sights,_ while they clearly looked for each other out of the corner of their eyes and listened carefully for those approaching footsteps.

Allen drinks in the violence of their relationship with an abnormal fervor. Being with Kanda had always made him feel alive and real. The coldness in the older male's actions forever sparking the need in him – rising to the challenge and baiting the older male into his own delicious aggression.

Kanda never tires of pushing the cursed boy over the edge, making him cry out and shattering the joyful mask he always wore. Allen pissed him off with his idiotic martyring tendencies and his lack of personal drive – always fighting for others, always sacrificing himself for others. He felt an unquantifiable pleasure from pushing Allen into crying out his name and making sounds no one would ever have dreamed the young exorcist was capable of making.

For so long now, they had fallen into this routine of resistance against each other, just waiting for the other to break under defeat.

Even as they had already lost.

The door creaked open as Allen stepped into the training hall, silver gaze scanning the room 'till they landed on the dark figure he sought. Without a word Allen stalked forward swiftly, alerting Kanda to his presence with the thud of boots against the stone floors.

"What the fuck do you want?" Kanda asked sheathing Mugen.

"Shut up," Allen said as he tackled Kanda to the floor, straddling his hips and hands immediately going to the hem of his pants. Navy brows furrowed at the sudden attack as he glared up into silver eyes, searching for some sort of explanation in the shimmering pools.

Allen had just returned from a mission; that he was sure of, since they had really gone at it before the boy had left. But now, looking up at the hard and strangely desperate expression, Kanda had no idea what had gotten into the younger boy. Sure they were violent lovers but he was usually the one to initiate it. Allen would fight back and insist he didn't want it, even as they both knew that he did. It was just a part of the whole thing, the bickering and the beating the crap out of each other and the wildly unrestrained sex that would be followed by more arguments and skirmishes.

"Get off," Kanda said stopping Allen's hands from undoing his pants. He was aroused; hell he had been ready to go as soon as he'd seen that adorable face glaring down at him with such a dangerous expression. But like hell he was going to let the brat have control over him.

"No," Allen hissed, violence in his silver eyes.

"I said get off," Kanda growled flipping them and pinning Allen to the floor in a single harsh and swiftly executed movement. Allen winced in pain, silver eyes clenching shut as a groan escaped his parted lips. Only then did Kanda notice the blood staining the clothing over Allen's abdomen – evidently from a devastating wound.

"You fucking idiot!" Kanda snapped glaring down at the white haired boy, "you should be in the infirmary not here!"

"Fuck me," Allen said ignoring the older male's statement. He knew he should have been in the infirmary getting the wound cleaned up and bandaged, and more importantly getting the profuse bleeding to come to a stop. He knew and yet he couldn't bring himself to care.

"What?" Kanda asked eyes narrowing as he fought to make sense of the boy pinned beneath him. It wasn't like Allen hadn't sworn before; a surprising amount of profanities could be coerced to spill from those pliant lips with a bit of biting and choice words. What had been odd though was the boy asking to be fucked. Allen had never been submissive and had never said so blatantly, without any provocation that he wanted Kanda to screw him.

"You heard me," Allen said seriously.

"Che, go jack off," Kanda scowled "I'm not interested in humoring you."

"Liar," Allen growled deviously as he gripped Kanda's arousal through his pants causing the male to groan and want to lean into the touch more. Kneeing the older male in the stomach Allen flipped them back over. In Kanda's brief moment of disorientation nimble fingers undid his pants, freeing his erection. Kanda released another moan as the cold air hit his cock – only serving to make him harder.

"I'll ride you if you won't screw me," Allen said leaning down and licking a trail over Kanda's carotid artery, feeling the heavy pulsing of the flowing blood.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Kanda asked, ignoring the devilishly seductive feel of the warm organ dampening his flesh.

"Hurt me damn it!" Allen hissed sitting back up and glaring down into the aloof eyes of the samurai.

Silence was all that ran through Kanda's mind. He could no more think than he could form words, allowing Allen to strip and lower himself unprepared without any sort of lubrication onto his throbbing organ. Allen didn't stop as the hard flesh pushed into his tight channel, didn't stop his quick descent despite the painful friction tearing at him 'till he was fully seated over Kanda. Head bowed, white bangs did little to hide the unbidden tears that were streaming from his silver eyes.

Kanda watched in a shocked stupor as the pale boy took no more than a breath's moment before pulling off and falling back down on him, riding him hard. After a few thrusts the friction was lessened by what could have only been Allen's blood. Cobalt eyes trailed over the wound he could see, the crimson liquid trailing down over his stomach. He couldn't help but wonder how the boy could be moving with all the blood he was loosing not to mention how torn up he must have been about now. Even so Kanda didn't hold back the groans and moans that Allen wrung out from him through the pleasure the heated opening was providing.

Kanda found an almost sickened fascination that the only form of lubrication was coming from blood – Allen's blood. Swallowing the bile that had rose in his throat from the thought and moaning heavily as the boy's muscles contracted around him Kanda sought Allen's face behind the snowy locks.

Slamming down harder and biting back cries of pain Allen felt the fiery ache burning within him – molten lava racing through his insides and pooling in his stomach as he ached for more of the agony, wanting to feel more of Kanda scorching him.

"Stop," Kanda said grabbing Allen's hips to still him.

"Kanda what are you-" Allen was cut off as the hands at his hips moved up behind his back, wrapping around him and pulling him to lie flush against Kanda's body. Allen shifted and was unable to restrain the pained whimper that broke past his lips.

"Baka, don't move," Kanda snapped before slowly thrusting up into Allen. There was no way in hell Allen had been receiving any sort of pleasure from what he'd been doing. Kanda didn't want to think about why he was interfering, or why he wanted Allen to feel pleasure too, instead focusing on going slowly, changing the angle as he searched for Allen's prostate.

"No, what are you doing?" Allen groaned as the slow movements sent rolls of tingling pleasure through his abused behind.

"Shut up," Kanda breathed as he reached between them and gripped Allen's erection, beginning to shaft him with the same rhythm as his thrusts, "just enjoy it."

"No, why are you nnnghahh," Allen groaned as he clung to Kanda as his vision blanked out for a moment from pleasure as Kanda hit his prostate head on. The small bundle of nerves becoming the target of Kanda's thrusts as he repeatedly rammed into it bringing Allen closer and closer to the sweet release that such an act craved.

The pleasure built, stars exploding behind closed silver eyes as Kanda rammed into him holding the position as they both came in a shattering climax.

Allen collapsed against Kanda, panting heavily as he tried to regain his senses. The older male's arms rested loosely on his lower back, cobalt eyes watching him even as Kanda too sought to gather his composure. After he'd gotten a hold of himself Allen sat up, ignoring the stinging pain and the fact that Kanda was still inside of him, he brought back his hand and slapped the older male, a flame in his teary silver eyes.

Making to hit him again Allen frowned as Kanda caught his wrist.

"Don't fuck with me," Kanda warned dangerously. Allen was silent as he pulled up a bit before slamming himself back onto Kanda hissing from the pain. Kanda moaned at the delicious friction feeling himself hardening again. Shaking the thought from his head Kanda grunted as he gripped Allen's hips with bruising force to still him again.

Kanda's gaze softened as he watched the silent tears streaming down the pale cheeks he was so familiar with.

"I loose," Kanda muttered as he reached up with one hand to wipe away Allen's tears only for the boy to slap his hand away. Stumbling back off the older male, Kanda's cock sliding from him with a slick plop Allen's eyes widened with something akin to fear in their tarnished depths. Legs too weak to support him, he tripped back landing on the floor and wincing at the pain that shot up his spine, blood and cum stained thighs and trailing lazily onto the floor.

"W-what the fuck are you playing at?" Allen stuttered in fear, trembling as he slowly shuffled away 'till he felt a pillar against his back.

"What happened to you?" Kanda asked.

"You bastard," Allen hissed pulling his knees into his chest, "you're not supposed to care!"

Silence fell across them as Kanda raked his eyes over Allen taking in every detail of the smaller boy. Allen was a mess, an utter mess, and Kanda had never seen the boy so distraught before in his life. He'd never acted so violently reckless before without reason, never been so ridiculously self destructive. And the look in his eyes was just too unnatural to be described.

"What happened to you?" Kanda asked again voice calm and unrushed though pointedly serious.

"This was a mistake," Allen muttered pulling himself up using the pillar for support as he tried to gather his clothing to leave, biting back cries every time he moved as pain shot up his spine tingling through every one of his nerves.

"Where the heck do you think you're going?" Kanda asked as he caught the boy before he fell, from painful exhaustion or too much blood loss, Kanda didn't know, though he assumed it was probably a combination of the two.

"Why?" Allen sobbed as he beat his fists against Kanda's chest weakly, "you're not supposed to hold me and shush me. You're not supposed to give shit. Damn it, we've done this tons of times before why did you have to ruin it?"

"I don't know, maybe 'cause you're fucking insane and aren't acting even remotely like yourself," Kanda said bluntly "shit you're even shaking."

"Does it matter? You're supposed to get mad at me and fuck me 'till I can't walk not go all soft like if we're-" Allen stopped, looking away shamefully.

"Like if we're what?" Kanda pressed.

"Lovers," Allen muttered as if the word was some sort of curse in itself.

"Baka, come on before you die of blood loss," Kanda said.

"Hurt me," Allen whimpered as Kanda lifted him up. Kanda was rendered silent again. Every time Allen said that he would go blank – it was just too abnormal and he couldn't stand to think of what could have caused it. "Make me scream." The pleading in Allen's voice didn't go unnoticed by the older male as he carried Allen towards the door.

"I'll make you scream, but not in pain," Kanda said as he wiped away some more tears, draping his jacket over Allen's half naked body, "not like this."

"I don't want it," Allen muttered "I don't want to feel good or happy or warm. It has to hurt."

"I don't know what the heck has gotten into you but you need help," Kanda said.

"No stop, let go, put me down!" Allen said starting to flail and struggle in Kanda's arms.

"Oi, quit moving!" Kanda snapped as he gripped Allen tighter.

"Let go! Stop babying me I don't want it like this," Allen cried as Kanda carried him to the living quarters.

"Shut the fuck up!" Kanda snapped "you have no say in anything. You are clearly not thinking properly and the first thing you should have done when you came back was to get this wound taken care off."

"Kanda, why are you doing this to me?" Allen asked brokenly.

"Because you've lost your fucking mind," Kanda said putting an end to the discussion. Falling silent, Allen glanced down to his hands as he was carried off to Kanda's room, not wanting to see the look on Kanda's face.

-----

Kanda slammed the door open, barging into Komui's office with his trademark scowl in place causing the scientist to jump in surprise.

"Oh Kanda," Komui said relaxing after noting that it was just Kanda.

"Where did you send the Moyashi last?" Kanda asked.

"Huh?" Komui asked not quite understanding Kanda's sudden interest in Allen's mission, "Italy."

"What happened there?" Kanda pressed, patience already strained.

"I don't know, it seems like it went well he came in and dropped off the innocence then said he was hungry and left," Komui said simply.

"Did he go with anyone?" Kanda asked as he quickly processed the information with a frown.

"No, Lavi was supposed to go but he got called away by Bookman so Allen went by himself," Komui said "Is something wrong?"

"Che," Kanda muttered as he left without another word. Allen seemed to be the only one who would have any serious answers for him. Walking back towards the living quarters Kanda heaved a sigh as he thought of the days' events since Allen had returned, deciding to make a quick detour to the infirmary.

Kanda had patched Allen up himself, not willing to explain why the boy had cum leaking from his ass to the nurse and then had left him asleep in his room. Allen had been so worked up Kanda hadn't know what to do with him, it was a lucky break for him when the boy had finally passed out, though it had also meant he had to work fast to make sure he didn't die, not that he could even picture the idiot dying. Allen had survived much worse than a gut wound and was still annoying the hell out of him, so chances are even without being treated he'd somehow manage to be alright in a day or two.

Upon returning to his room, Kanda found the bed empty and his closet door slightly ajar. Sighing he stepped back into the hall and walked further down, hanging a left to where Allen's room was. Pushing the door open Kanda found Allen staring out the small window, trembling in a pair of his slacks and a shirt. Kanda couldn't restrain the thought of how arousing it was to see Allen in his clothing – just a bit larger than him and hanging off his delicate frame.

"Moyashi," Kanda called as he closed the door behind him, noting the boy visibly stiffen.

"Go away," Allen said voice weak, not turning to face the older male – not daring to look upon the elegance and strength that Kanda embodied.

"You sure you want to be standing after what happened earlier?" Kanda asked as he walked closer. Allen's hands balled into fists as if fighting to remain where he was and not attempt to run and hide away – he was no coward.

"There was quite a bit of blood and you're rather torn up," Kanda said taking another step forward, "when I cleaned you off-"

"Get the hell out!" Allen hissed slamming his fists into the wall as a means for releasing his pent up frustration.

"I don't take orders from brats," Kanda said simply as he stood about a foot away from Allen. The pale boy fell into silence as he reached out, tracing the cold glass with shaky fingers. "What happened on your last mission?" Kanda asked noting how Allen's silver eyes darkened.

Moving forward Kanda wrapped his arms around the fragile looking boy, brows furrowing as the boy tensed up instantly.

_This is how it's supposed to feel right? When human's embrace._

The maliciously sweet voice rolled through Allen's thoughts as he restrained himself from pulling away from Kanda.

_We're far from human Allen. We are different. Superior. Don't fool yourself into thinking for a second you belong with them._

"No," Allen muttered as he tried to extricate himself from Kanda's arms. "No, stop."

"Allen?" Kanda asked brows creasing in confusion.

"Stop, let go!" Allen yelled as he struggled under Kanda's tightening grasp.

_You know why I love you so much?_

Again that voice, haunting him with the conversation they'd had in the small nameless Italian town.

_Because you love pain – it's the only thing that keeps you sane._

'You're wrong,' Allen thought in response to the voice tormenting him.

_You know it is. That's why you're with that bastard. The pain he makes you feel, you need it._

'No,' Allen thought, breath coming quicker in short gasps as he began hyperventilating, 'it's not true…I'm not like that.'

"Allen!" Kanda called when the boy's eyes dilated to pinpoints of strained sanity.

_You just drink in that angry, violent passion like sweet champagne. And I'll bet you beg him to hurt you just a little bit more; always a bit harder, always a bit deeper to make you scream, to make you bleed._

"Damn it I'm still human," Allen whimpered as his hands fisted in his snowy locks. Then there was silence as Kanda stared at the quivering boy in his arms.

_Just a bit more to make you cry. Make you hate yourself. 'Cause you're never happy unless you're hating yourself. _

'It can't be true,' Allen thought as tears pricked at his eyes.

_Face it Allen, you need that pain like human's need the air they breathe. You don't belong with them and the sooner you realize that, the easier it'll be for you._

"God, I need it," Allen cried feeling his heart breaking under the strain, "Kanda, I need you…please."

"Allen, what happened to you?" Kanda asked again, ignoring the heat pooling in him from the pleading boy's saccharine voice.

"I need the pain. Just a bit more please," Allen whimpered "just hurt me a little bit more."

Kanda tilted Allen's chin up at an angle and pressed his lips against the slightly parted ones to shush him. The gentle, affectionate gesture causing fire to burn in Allen's chest. It hurt so badly it was tearing at him, ravaging his body with a kind of sweet warmth that he didn't want. Pulling away, facing away as he glared heatedly through wild and panicked eyes.

"Don't," Allen whimpered slamming his elbow back into Kanda's stomach causing the older male to release him. Stumbling forward Allen caught himself on the window ledge. Heart beating erratically and mind whirring with thoughts and voices that he had tried to suppress.

Collapsing to the floor Allen's body shook with violent tremors as he clutched at himself.

_Crave the pain Allen and seek it out. If you don't, you'll go mad. You weren't meant to feel joy or pleasure, just excruciating agony._

"Oi, what's wrong?" Kanda asked the concern not masked by his usual indifference. Grunting in pain as he bit down on his hand to stifle the scream that wanted to tear through him Allen couldn't stop Rhode's voice from running rampant in his mind.

_If he won't do it for you…Come to me and I'll hurt you any time._

"Will you do it for me?" Allen asked voice hoarse as if straining to form the few words.

"Do what?" Kanda asked crouching at Allen's side.

"Hurt me," Allen said swallowing the bile that rose in his throat.

"Damn it Allen, tell me what happened to you?" Kanda asked "Why are you acting like this?"

"You won't will you?" Allen said as more of a statement than anything as he pulled himself up, "fine, I don't need you. Get out." The voice was cold and harsh, nothing like Allen. Not even remotely similar to the boy that Kanda knew.

When Kanda didn't immediately turn to leave Allen growled, his eyes narrowed in anger as he invoked. Shoving Kanda through the door and out into the hall with his clawed innocence, a loud thud accompanying the splintering wood and cracking stone from the force. Picking himself up from the assault Kanda's eyes darkened, expression hardening with anger as he drew Mugen and was on Allen in a second, the blade pressed dangerously against the boy's throat.

"Fine, you want me to hurt you?" Kanda asked voice holding none of the calmness or kindness as before. Crushing his lips against Allen's with bruising force Kanda let go of his inhibitions genuinely wanting to hurt the smaller boy for his infuriating attitude and his refusal to tell him anything.

"Then scream," Kanda hissed pulling away from Allen's lips and biting down harshly on the pale skin of his neck. A disgruntled yelp rose from Allen's lips as he felt the pain he'd been craving wash over his tingling skin.

-----

Morning came with blood washed petals and monochrome rainbows. Through bleary silver eyes Allen noted that he was alone in the room, the door haphazardly put back up. He didn't know how many times he'd been forced to cum through Kanda's merciless ministrations, all he knew was that his body felt leaden and there was uncomfortable stickiness between his thighs.

Closing his eyes he exhaled a long and slow breath as silent tears built up, trailing from the corners of his eyes. Sitting up abruptly at the sound of a door opening to his left, Allen cursed as he bit back a scream from the pain that jolted up his spine.

"Baka," Kanda muttered as he walked to Allen's bedside holding out a glass of water and two small pills. White brows furrowed, he didn't need nor want this kind of pity from the older male. "Take it. You want to be able to walk today right?"

Without a word Allen knocked the pills from Kanda's hand, looking up defiantly through teary eyes. He was met with violent cobalt ones as Kanda slammed the cup of water down on the bedside table before pushing Allen back down onto the bed harshly ignoring the wince that contorted his delicate features.

"Don't mistake, I have no intention of being anything to you," Kanda hissed.

"Get off," Allen said, earning him a smart slap across the face.

"You don't get it do you?" Kanda asked as silver turned back to meet cobalt, "I hate you. You're fucking insufferable. And you have severely over stepped your damn boundaries."

"It was good though wasn't it?" Allen asked a smug look on his pale features that just didn't fit the infantile face. Another slap, harder than the last, pale cheek flushing red from the force.

"Where do you get off?" Kanda hissed "interrupting my training, bitching like a girl, then snapping. Since when do you get off on pain like that anyway?"

"I don't need you to take care of me," Allen retorted "you weren't supposed to hold me and bandage me. You weren't supposed to follow me and you sure as hell weren't supposed to bring me painkillers."

"A simple no thanks would have sufficed," Kanda said stiffly – this couldn't be the same brat that he'd been craving.

"Go away," Allen muttered glaring up at Kanda, who'd yet to release him. When Kanda didn't move or say anything a dizzying smirk rose to Allen's features as he quirked a brow, "unless you want to go again that is."

Dark brows furrowed again, the permanent scowl he wore not quite masking the calculating look in his cobalt eyes, trying to make sense of what was going on.

"You can't even sit up without wincing," Kanda said, voice void of emotion as he waited for Allen's response.

"That's not the point, do you or don't you?" Allen said bringing his hand up to caress the side of Kanda's face gently – more bold and seductive than before, but it had been something Allen had once done – the gentle caress being a bit of a shock to the older male as an unfamiliar feeling stirred in his chest. A low groan emitted from Kanda's lips as he felt a hand clasp around his hardening member.

"Looks like you do," Allen said pushing against Kanda's chest for the male to pull off. What he hadn't expected was for Kanda to slide his hands around him and carefully bring him into a sitting position. The embrace caused Allen to go stiff again as he thought about Rhode hugging him again and their conversation.

"Allen?" Kanda prodded when he felt the body go rigid in his arms.

"Don't hold me like that," Allen said looking to the side, bangs shading his eyes from view.

"What do you remember when I hold you like this?" Kanda asked "on your last mission something happened that seriously screwed you over. What was it?"

"Damn it," Allen cursed softly, breaking against Kanda's soft tone. It was still cold like always but there was that barely noticeable lilt of his voice that Allen had used to look for every time they were together. The small little sign that he was special to the older male and that it wasn't solely physical. Before he'd talked with Rhode he'd drink in those small shows of affection that he knew the older male would deny if every called out on it.

He had seriously wanted to lose their game and fall for the older male but now he couldn't help but hate himself for those small sweet gestures. He couldn't help but want to rip out his useless damaged heart and just find solace in the violent passion, over and over again 'till he just lost it all.

"I remember how much I hate myself," Allen hissed "that what you want to hear? That I'm just dying for punishment and pain 'cause I can't seem to function without it?" Kanda was silent as his brows furrowed.

"You want to hear what happened on my last mission? Want to hear what that bitch told me? Want me to tell you how every thing she said was the truth?" Allen asked a mirthless laugh escaping him. "Do you want to hear how I broke and how I can't even stand to touch you without feeling guilty? How much I wanted you? How I've lost so many times before this game even started? How everything you do and say sets me on fire? When all I can do I scream in pleasure when I want to feel pain? Tell me Kanda, what do you want to hear?"

It was clear that the older male had been rendered completely speechless as he stared dumbly at the small boy in his arms. A sad smile adorned Allen's delicate features as he moved his hands up to wipe at the incessant stream of tears that he despised so very much.

"I'm sick of the truth, it just hurts too much," Allen muttered sounding completely resigned.

"Allen," Kanda said not knowing how to even begin to console the boy.

"And stop saying my name," Allen almost choked as he fought back his sobs, "it's not like you."

"Che, baka Moyashi," Kanda muttered as he pulled Allen against him tighter, resting his chin atop the mussed up silky nest of snowy locks.

-----

Darkness fell and the two had done little more than shift to a more comfortable position on the bed, Allen nestled snugly in Kanda's arms. It was the first time they'd ever shared such an intimate moment that was peaceful and comforting. It was both strange and unsettling as they sat in silence, thinking of what to do from here on.

Would things return to how they had been? Was that even an option? Could they try to be something more? Was that something that they wanted?

And the most troubling question of all: were they willing to end this game of theirs?

-----

"Back when I was…you said that you lose," Allen said turning his gaze up to look at the pensive expression on the older male's face.

"So you heard that did you?" Kanda asked smirking.

"Yeah," Allen said feeling apprehensive of the question he was about to ask. "Did you mean it?" The silence that followed must have stretched for no longer than a minute, but to Allen it felt like hours. The heaviness weighing upon his chest was enough to drive him mad. He had expressed so much to Kanda in his small rant. He'd even admitted how he'd lost so many times before the game even began, and he couldn't quell the uncertainty of whether or not he was a fool for thinking that the stoic male would ever reciprocate the sentiment.

The repercussions of losing were far more serious than either could comprehend. They had never anticipated an end, it was meant to go on 'till they died or grew tired of each other. Neither had ever even considered what a mutual loss would have led to.

"Che, I wouldn't have said it if I didn't mean it," Kanda scoffed as if insulted by the question, though he was just as doubtful about the situation as Allen. He sounded so confident, so very sure of himself, though his thoughts were a chaotic whirlwind.

He knew that he could never be the gentle kind of lover that romantics dream about. Kanda was damn sure that things would stay pretty much the same no matter what kind of title they slapped across their relationship. From acquaintances and comrades, to friends – in the loosest definition of the word – to rivals in the game, they had always traded insults and hostility, with the occasionally moments of blunt yet comforting companionship.

Was he willing to call Allen his lover though? He was almost certain that the darkness he'd seen in Allen hadn't been there before. Though he knew Allen was able to hide away behind his smiling mask – so perhaps these troubling feelings had been brewing there. He severely doubted that though, or Allen would have probably blown up sooner if that was the case. The boy was gentle and caring to everyone and though they'd argue he was never cruel. He couldn't touch Allen with the kind of tender adoration that the boy deserved and he didn't think he ever could. Brushing away tears and holding him as they slept were about the extent of Kanda's mild mannered affection.

He'd brought pills to alleviate Allen's pain but it hadn't been much more than an impulse. Even though he'd taken control over their situation he was by no means gentle – though it may have seemed so in comparison to what Allen had been doing. He knew he'd never be able to curb the biting comments and urge to rile Allen into a frenzy when they argued. He wasn't even aware of what it actually meant to be someone's lover. Sure sex was a part of it but there was all the emotional crap he wasn't even remotely interested in.

"So what now?" Allen asked, the calmness had returned to him. The innocence in his infantile face and the light sparkle in his silver eyes had put Kanda at ease. The problem with Allen was obviously far from over; things couldn't just stop on a dime like that. Even so it was relieving to see Allen without that disturbed look in his eyes and that almost malicious desperation in his voice, even if it was self directed.

"It doesn't change anything," Kanda said casting his gaze down at the smaller boy.

"Yeah, I guess you're right," Allen laughed lightly though Kanda detected no mirth in the sound. "I don't think I'm even capable of loving someone genuinely anyway." This statement took Kanda by surprise. Allen Walker, the youngest general of the Order, loved by everyone and adored by God for his willingness to throw his life away in servitude, had just said he couldn't seriously love anyone?

"I find that hard to believe, coming from the grinning brat that'll die for anyone," Kanda said trying to lead Allen into a rant that would expand on the idea. He'd be damned if he were to ask outright.

"I don't even understand the emotion, so how could I feel it?" Allen frowned "it's weird and illogical, who would welcome such dependence anyway?"

"So you didn't love that foster father of yours?" Kanda asked.

"Mana was different; the feeling wasn't quite the same, though I imagine it's as close to the feeling as I'll ever get," Allen said shrugging as he pulled away from Kanda, sitting up slowly, "the feelings of being left behind aren't worth the couple moments of bliss."

"Is that what you're worried about?" Kanda asked "being abandoned?"

"Huh?" Allen asked cocking his head to the side, an adorable questioning expression on his face.

"You afraid if you were to love me, that I'd leave you?" Kanda asked.

"I'm not afraid," Allen pouted "I don't really care since I'm used to it. It's bound to happen sooner or later, though with how things are going, I'll probably die first. I suppose though if by some miracle I did out live you, I'd feel rather lost, even as I am now."

"Having you say that so seriously is rather disconcerting," Kanda said frowning as sat up, sliding back to lean against the headboard.

"I know what I feel for you would drive me insane should I lose you, but I'm not too worried about it 'cause like I said, I'll probably die first," Allen said.

"Baka Moyashi," Kanda grunted as he closed his eyes, "you're really incorrigible, though I suppose I'd also feel something if you decided to die on me. Which I wouldn't be surprised of, seeing as if anyone were to find a way to piss me off even in death it'd be you."

Laughter reached Kanda's ears and he opened his eyes to stare at the expression of amusement on Allen's face. The sound hadn't been the same kind of empty laugh as earlier.

"I don't really know why, but I think I'll be alright if you're with me like this," Allen said smiling "I'm sorry about earlier, though it's probably yesterday now. I seem to have lost track of time."

"Che, glad to see you're back to your same idiotic self," Kanda muttered sardonically, eyes slipping closed again, "I thought that dumb smile was finally broken, what a shame it didn't stay that way." The smile didn't fade from Allen's face as he leaned in pressing his lips to Kanda's in a brief gesture of thanks.

"BaKanda, you can hurt me like no one else," Allen said almost seductively "I welcome it _any_time." Cobalt met silver as Allen stood and stretched completely back to normal – save for the dull throbbing pain in his backside.

"Damn I'm starved; you want to go get something to eat?" Allen asked.

"Che, whatever," Kanda said as he stood, stealing another kiss from Allen before heading to the door, a smug smirk on his face.

Lovers, they didn't need such a trivial title. Either way it'd still be the same, forever the same, even if their game had come to an end.

_End_

* * *

A/N: Look it's done, though it didn't come out how I'd planned – not dark enough of an ending. But I suppose it's for the best. When things write themselves it's usually better than if it's forced to be written a certain way so I left it as is.

Though it's a nice angst filled piece, I think the plot was kind of weak. Perhaps I should continue it? I have a vague idea of how I'd want to continue it, though I'm not sure if it'll work out if I were to write it. I'm not even sure of a definitive premise I'd have.

Let me know what you all think please.

Anyway thanks to everyone who's read and reviewed my works.

Comments are welcomed – they make me happy :)


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